Sometimes I wonder if I’m a narcissist. I don’t believe anyone does anything completely selflessly, but the amount of energy it takes me to get into a frame of mind that isn’t completely selfish is astonishing to me sometimes. I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m willing to wager that I’m not the only person who thinks if I could just get thing to go my way, I would have peace.
The thing that sets off my anger the most is being interrupted when I’m trying to do something. Be it kids, the phone ringing, my dog needing to go out, or the eggs burning while I’m trying to get the next batch of pancakes on the griddle. My first thought in those kind of situations is, “Why is this happening to me?” I’m sure everyone has a thing that makes them ask that question. I’ve come to really hate that question. It never leads to an answer that helps. In fact, it’s an enemy of peace.
Asking “Why is this happening to me?” like there is some sort of cosmic reason is dangerous. Behind that question are many other questions and assumptions that can easily take me places where peace is not welcome.
What have I done wrong to deserve this?
At the core of my being, I must deserve this.
Am I worthy of love?
Am I worthy of anything good?
These might seem a little over the top, but Im sure I’m not the only person asking these questions to themselves and God. “Why is this happening to me?” is the first event in a series that could destroy peace in anyone’s life.
I should say here that it is important to assess situations and do self reflection to see how our actions affect our lives, but I don’t think in the moment is the right time to be asking why.
When I take a beat and acknowledge what ever unfun thing is happening, then figure out how to react, things seem to go much better for me. The end result might not be what I want or what feels the best, but i make it through in one piece. Once I’ve come through, then I can figure out what I could do differently to avoid it in the future.
Sometimes peace is found over time. We all go through times when peace seems to be the farthest thing from reality. In a moment we can hope for peace only to find anxiety or another issue that seems to be blocking us from it. When we learn to move through those times and look back to get some perspective on the situation we can get to a place of peace faster and more readily in other similar situations.
The original point I was trying to make is that always getting things to go my way won’t bring me piece. When I get everything I want, it inevitably means someone else has given up their desire. I’m pretty sure I’m not a narcissist most days, but I do have desires and I would like to see some of them come to pass. I have learned that they aren’t the source of my peace though. More about that tomorrow.